Tuesday, November 06, 2007

you always knew you let them off easy so when it came to driving them back in droves or loving the misery of present company you chose to let them off easy. doing a favor for people who didn't want any help at all made you feel deserving of a very good title: good Samaritan, philanthropist, altruist.

but there was never a moment where you chose to change their plight. there was never any reason for you to be there other than to make it out alive.

you always made it out alive.


there is no reason for you to be there. you are a coward. you lack courage when you seek absolution. this is important for me to tell you. this is the definition of courage:

The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution.


today i won a softball game. we were down 10 runs until we rallied, and it was the biggest rally i have been a part of. i thought there should be a something, a something inside to signify the momentous. there are big moments in life where you get everything again and again in memory except for a detail or two and i would like winning to be in the category of big moments. i have been thinking often about big moments or at least the more memorable ones, the people and situations i delve into on a drive alone. there is mostly loss and regret weighing in on everything so i took to routine to see what would happen. and i took to tina and i said i love you and sometimes when we aren't acting like cats i realize we are a team.

the fact that there are so few real burdens in life, that there are so few tasks that cannot be carried out, and few losses that can't be mitigated is hitting home. i only know this because i have someone helping me here who i can share the joy of living with.

anyway, i like to ramble at night.


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